What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
