he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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