and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
