oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
