if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
