I'm lost and stupid without you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
