my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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