I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
