My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
