it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
