The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
