bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
