Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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