a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
