You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
pray to the hookup gods
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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