Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
birth control should be required to get into college
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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