Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
