Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
