also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
