i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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