Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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