Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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