these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
