you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
