so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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