why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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