My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
