I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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