No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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