batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
