i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
