I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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