It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You have to summon your inner elephant
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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