**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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