Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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