On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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