Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
