dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
