my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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