We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
