My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
