Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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