I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
