The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
