Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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