I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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