No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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