I wish my penis had an off switch
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
