five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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