If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
