Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
