in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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