i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
