LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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