im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
