So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
